Lately, my heart has been a bit heavy - just sort of a dreary sadness like an overcast day that wants to rain .... and then drizzles a little. I can't quite put my finger on it as to why I feel this way given that my life is pretty sweet today. As of late, the tears stream easier and the insecurity is more readily accessible. I haven't questioned my identity or security in who I am in years. This state feels painfully humbling and at the same time somewhat liberating. I think it's because I don't have the answers. I love to have the answers. I love knowing and being a voice of wisdom. Yet this is an instance where I am clear - I don't know. For the first time in a while I no longer feel like I'm "king of the hill" (my own little ant hill of course) but instead feel very much like a freshman starting high school - unsure of how the 'system' works and where I'll excel.
Today, I look at my life and I have so much of what I ever wanted - including things that I didn't know I wanted but am very grateful to have today. I have a husband who is kind, thoughtful, loyal and incredibly committed to being a generous provider. I have a baby who is by all accounts perfect (I am his mom :), I work in a profession that is fulfilling and fun for me. And, I have friends and family who love me no matter what. So then why the heavy heart? Why the questioning of my identity? Shouldn't I feel happy, joyous and free? Shouldn't I feel delighted that I have what so many in this world dream of having?
I am clear - this is not about what I have or don't have. This is not about my financial status or having better 'toys' to show off. This is not about what my husband is or is not doing that pleases me. This IS about me and God. This is about trusting the process of transition and change. This is about sitting still and feeling discomfort, insecurity in NOT being "king of the hill" any longer. Which, by the way is not necessarily a bad thing - I think this is my opportunity for growth and learning. If I staid as king of the hill I would likely get bored and worse, I would get a very big ego. I would be a know it all and stop being curious. If I choose to stay still and feel the discomfort I will likely grow and come to understand my pain. I will also hopefully grow in compassion for others who will endure this .... there isn't necessarily an explanation for this, it seems that it's just part of life.
I always have options - I can cut and run (and go where?), I can ignore this by somehow checking out (not appealing at this point in my life) or I can JUST BE - cry if I need to cry, laugh when I need to laugh and be exactly where I'm meant to be.
Here's to standing still, yet moving forward.