Thursday, May 17, 2012

"I am what I am"

Six months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Carson Thomas Miller.    The process of being pregnant and going through labor was by far the most extraordinary, super-natural experience of my life.   To have a being created inside of you is almost unimaginable.....  Throughout my pregnancy I had feedback from several outside sources that my life would change in remarkable and unsuspecting ways.   And, it has.    As my previous blogs have alluded to this process has been a drastic shift in my identity.   My self-reference as a working, independent woman has been put to the test.    And for this I am grateful.  

As a coach I work with my clients to discover their truest Self.   I help them become more anchored in who they are in the world, what they stand for and what they most value.    I help them grasp the idea that there is more to who they are in the world than playing the role of CEO or stay-at-home-mom.    And of course, as the saying goes, we often teach what we need to learn most ourselves.     Today I am in the seat of discovering who I am in the world amongst all the roles that I play - some new, some familiar.   This is extremely hard to do without judgment as I find there is a lot of credence given to titles and accomplishments.   Additionally, it's hard to stay clear from falling in the trap of living by others' rules or beliefs.    What is MY way of doing things?   What is MY way of being in the world as a wife, mommy, coach, friend and daughter amongst other roles....?     

While I don't have all the answers to the questions above, here is what I do know.... so far.  That I get more satisfaction from being loving, kind and patient to my husband and baby than accomplishing one of my many to-do's (in an attempt to feel accomplished)   That the most important things to a baby are that they be fed, played with, held and given rest.   And that what is not important to a baby are things like my 'title', my paycheck, my outfit or hairstyle or the kind of car I drive.   And, last how very important that this time be acknowledged for what it is (a MAJOR transition) which requires compassion and tolerance toward myself and others AND that this time be CELEBRATED as a once in a lifetime opportunity to learn from my amazing teachers, Carson and Danny.    There is such richness in this time of transition - it's a time to be curious, selfless, open and willing.      All this to say .....maybe (probably) the satisfaction wont come from the title I give myself but rather the way I choose to show up to my responsibilities that I HAVE CREATED for myself.  

This is not a time to be a martyr but instead be grateful and patient.     To have my own family is a long time dream now actualized....    what a miracle.     I've prayed many nights for this reality.    And of course, as with any dream comes the responsibility to manage and accept the new circumstance/s that have become a reality.    A word to the wise, be intentional and 'careful' about what you pray for....  it just may come true! :)    
 Thanks to my loving husband and sweet baby for being patient with mama as she gets her grove in this new, extraordinary phase of life.  

Here's to knowing thyself in the midst of the myriad of roles we all play.

Blessed and grateful,

Thursday, May 3, 2012

King of the Hill

Lately, my heart has been a bit heavy - just sort of a dreary sadness like an overcast day that wants to rain ....  and then drizzles a little.    I can't quite put my finger on it as to why I feel this way given that my life is pretty sweet today.   As of late, the tears stream easier and the insecurity is more readily accessible.  I haven't questioned my identity or security in who I am in years.  This state feels painfully humbling and at the same time somewhat liberating.   I think it's because I don't have the answers.   I love to have the answers.  I love knowing and being a voice of wisdom.   Yet this is an instance where I am clear - I don't know.  For the first time in a while I no longer feel like I'm "king of the hill"  (my own little ant hill of course) but instead feel very much like a freshman starting high school - unsure of how the 'system' works and where I'll excel. 

Today, I look at my life and I have so much of what I ever wanted - including things that I didn't know I wanted but am very grateful to have today.   I have a husband who is kind, thoughtful, loyal and incredibly committed to being a generous provider.   I have a baby who is by all accounts perfect (I am his mom :),  I work in a profession that is fulfilling and fun for me.   And, I have friends and family who love me no matter what.    So then why the heavy heart?  Why the questioning of my identity?   Shouldn't I feel happy, joyous and free?    Shouldn't I feel delighted that I have what so many in this world dream of having?  

I am clear - this is not about what I have or don't have.    This is not about my financial status or having better 'toys' to show off.   This is  not about what my husband is or is not doing that pleases me.   This IS about me and God.   This is about trusting the process of transition and change.   This is about sitting still and feeling discomfort, insecurity in NOT being "king of the hill" any longer.   Which, by the way is not necessarily a bad thing - I think this is my opportunity for growth and learning.     If I staid as king of the hill I would likely get bored and worse, I would get a very big ego.   I would be a know it all and stop being curious.    If I choose to stay still and feel the discomfort I will likely grow and come to understand my pain.   I will also hopefully grow in compassion for others who will endure this ....  there isn't necessarily an explanation for this, it seems that it's just part of life.  

I always have options - I can cut and run (and go where?), I can ignore this by somehow checking out (not appealing at this point in my life) or I can JUST BE - cry if I need to cry, laugh when I need to laugh and be exactly where I'm meant to be.

 Here's to standing still, yet moving forward.   


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Growing Pains

Lately I've had a series of seeming 'mishaps' occur in my life that feel like they're testing my last strand of patience.    Each mishap alone seems trivial but bunched together in a short amount of time they have felt heavy, unfortunate and almost intolerable.    It all started so sweet and innocent.  A few months ago my husband and I with our then 4.5 month old moved to the suburbs.... horray!   We were/are delighted with the great find of a perfect home for us in an area that provides ample hiking, biking and SUNSHINE!!   Truly delightful after living in the city for 18+ years complaining about summer gloom EVERY year as if to experience the chill for the first time.   Anyhow, as I was saying - we now live in a fantastic home with ample square footage and wall space.    Needless to say, we have been on a mission to get our place furnished and decorated (easier said than done when you are caring for an infant - HA!)    Let's just say ONE BABY STEP AT A TIME.    That said, my husband finally found the PERFECT couch for our place - beautiful chocolate brown, microsuede....  the perfect couch you don't want your kids to spill on (that's for another blog!).   So after the much anticipated wait of 4-6 weeks (of course it was closer to 6 weeks) it finally arrived!!  All was great until the delivery men left and I unwrapped the beaut only to find it is TOO long for our living room.    WHAT?!   Where did we go wrong and how who's fault was/is this?    A week + later we are still trying to get to the bottom of this while working with a very resistant furniture company ....   unnecessary stress if you ask me.     I found myself feeling slighted, powerless and enraged.  I've since mellowed out and while consistently following up to right this wrong I'm also working hard to let go of the outcome.... VERY HARD for this perfectionist.  

As if the couch mishap wasn't enough to rattle my flow of ease and serenity (HA!) - in the subsequent weeks I managed to get a ticket while on my cell phone (I swear officer I RARELY do this....) none the less, there is a law against this and I still tend to think that the law doesn't apply to me in most cases.    Very juvenile thinking ....  and unfortunately, not the truth.    Next, I misplaced my credit card, which I haven't done in years .... and for the life of me I cannot recall where I placed it.   So... not only is it a pain to not have my credit card accessible to use but also it's one more 1-800 call to make with options and waiting to reach a live voice so that I can cancel and re-order a new card.   UGH!    And then, the icing (or so I think/hope) is that I threw my back out .....  I cannot recall the last time I had this breath-taking kind of pain - well, aside from labor - and to complicate matters but I had my baby Carson to look after for the day while my back was out of commission.   NOT FUN OR EASY.   My poor baby was crying to be picked up and I would get half way down and with a loud "UUUUUH" get stuck and have to try position number two, then three and usually by the fourth attempt I could safely pick him up.    Talk about moving in slow motion.....   I think Carson even looked at me a couple times with an odd curiosity of what might be wrong with me that day.    As if that's not enough, the chiropractic bill of a whopping $250 came at the end of two very QUICK adjustments.  OUCH on both accounts..... 

It's funny as I write this poor me, sad saga of mishaps I have to laugh....    it's just kind of funny how things like this happen all at one time.    Just when I think I CANNOT handle one more thing going 'wrong' it does and I rise to the occasion and deal with it.   I grow, stretch, complain and move on.   It's just life -   imperfect, funny and sometimes unfortunate with it's timing.    In ten years these 'mishaps' won't mean a thing - what will is that I have love, health and wonderful people surrounding me in my life.  

Here's to life - ordinary and splendid all in one gulp.

~ Nikki