Emerging

It's been quite a long time since I've written - a newsletter, a blog post.... much of anything really. This is partially due to having a 4.5 month old and prior to that 9 months of pregnancy (obviously) - AND it's partially due to a strange resistance and insecurity of what to write. So, I've decided NOW it's time. As my husband recently reminded me, anything worth doing is worth doing badly.

So much has happened in the past year and a half..... where to begin? Let's start with the obvious - I've moved (recently to Marin), got married and had a baby - ALL major life changing events in their own right. It's wild - one minute I'm single living with a roommate, dating on Match.com (wondering, praying, hoping that SOMEDAY I'd meet Mr. Right.....) and the next I'm living a dream thinking who's life is this?!!

Each of these three amazing changes are teaching me more than I could have ever imagined (or bargained for). My husband is teaching me about how to be patient and accepting of others, amongst other things :). Clearly, I have ideas of how thing should be done and the pace at which they should be done ..... and I'm learning that my time line is NOT that of everyone elses.... how disappointing for me. AND it's the hard truth so I need to be OK with it or I will have NO serenity. And furthermore, it's quite annoying to others (my husband) when I am trying to manage his life and his choices. Right Danny? ; )

Moving has taught me first and foremost, that I LOVE Marin - it's exactly where I'm / we're meant to be right now! Since we've moved into a significantly larger home I'm learning to 'explore' my taste - which I've not necessarily had the opportunity to do living in the matchboxes I've lived in in San Francisco. I'm having to ask myself "What kind of wall hangings do I enjoy, what color schemes do I like, how do you decorate a babies room..... etc ?" It's both very exciting and sometimes completely overwhelming. I can see why people hire interior decorators! Anyone, anyone? It's so interesting that this is bringing up my insecurity..... it reminds me of that book - What Color Is Your Parachute? BIG decisions that in the long run .... are NOT that big of a deal..... but I sure can make it big! Hopefully, I can remind myself to stay curious rather than judgmental and hyper-critical. We can always redecorate next year - NOT!

And last but certainly not least being a new mommy has put me to the ultimate test. What does it mean to have someone COMPLETELY dependent on me?!! I'm an only child with a frequent case of "princess-itus". Needless to say I've been quite independent and bold about asking for what I need. Now - I find myself having to be attentive, loving, giving (like I've never given before) and generous with my time/energy. It's amazing that the days I think there is NO way I can do this today ..... then, I do it. Somehow the energy comes..... maybe it comes with being a mommy - I have no idea. There is truly nothing more humbling than when you are peed, pooped and spit up on all in one sitting! As a good friend of mine reminded me it is the hardest job you will ever love! Needless to say, Carson, Danny and I are all finding our rhythm - one day at a time! I have a feeling Carson (our 4.5 month old) will be one of my best teachers. He is beautiful, ambitious, smiley and very communicative - to say the least.

This has all been quite a journey - and quite challenging to my former identity ..... one that is gradually changing and evolving into something/someone I still don't completely recognize.

More on that later......


Signing off,
Nikki