With the holidays in full swing and Christmas carols chiming on all the favorite radio stations (not to mention all the cafes, restaurants and stores) the calendar is filling quickly with holiday events, leaving little time to c-h-i-l-l out. Just this morning my boyfriend and I were coordinating our December calendar to find that some dates are filled with more than a couple of events to attend. In addition to attending social events, for many there are also holiday family obligations. The holidays can be a joyous occasion to catch up with and celebrate old traditions with loved ones. However, I'm learning that to much of a 'good thing' can also bring a celebratory occasion to a screeching halt. Do you know what I mean? It seems one minute you couldn't be more thrilled to see your loved ones and the next (after too many consecutive hours together) all of your old 'stuff' is coming up and you've reverted into the 14-year-old child who is spouting off a mouthful of venom (only later to be filled with regret) to your cherished family members.
Ok..... well maybe you've healed all of your old childhood wounds .... but 'some' of us are still working on it. ; ) For me, what works best is if I balance the amount of time I spend with loved ones with some downtime for myself. It seems if I make time to recharge my batteries (which, for me is often done through exercise, napping, or talking to some close friends) I am much better equipped to handle old 'stuff'' that may emerge. The holidays are meant to be enjoyed and celebrated..... not lamenting over unnesseccery remarks or spats.
A friend of mine once said, "I like to leave on a 'high' note when I'm in social settings." To me, this means know thyself and know when enough is enough. Know when it's time to go or take a 'time out'. Just like children, adults need 'time outs' too. A time-out is time to reflect, regroup and recharge. Which, in my opinion, leads to a much more enjoyable holiday season for all.
Here's a plug for more time-outs .... they're not just for kids anymore. ; )
Much love,
Nikki
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Keeping Your Word....
I've become increasingly aware of how easy it is to break a commitment .... it's as easy as sending a text, leaving an impromptu voice mail or shooting an email (that goes directly to the person's phone) to say you can't make it or that you need to postpone. What did we do when we didn't have such easy access to people? Did we just not show up? Some of us may have gone this route .... but the majority of us showed up. For many of us (myself included) the thought of abandoning a commitment without informing the other person wasn't even a thought. Even if I didn't 'feel' like it or had regrets of making the plan in the first place .... I showed up. It's amazing to think that centuries ago there wasn't even an option to call... people had to rely on one another's word. It was a given that you'd be accountable to your word. Today it seems that many of us keep this 'little pill' in our back pocket.... just in case.
Now, I'm just as guilty as the next person to cancel last minute ..... not necessarily because I like it or approve of it (although on some level I suppose I do, or I wouldn't be doing it) - but because I can. It's a sneaky rationale and practice that has quickly become a habit for myself and many others. There are a ton of rationalizations that my mind will come up with to justify changing an appointment time or postponing a meeting. It's never meant to be disrespectful to the other person. It's a mindset .... and one that I am working on changing. The new mindset I aim to adopt it to stand by my word. When I set an appointment or make a plan, I am committing to stick with what I say. What this means for me is that before committing I need to give some thought to what I'm choosing. I believe it's the impulsive decision making that leads me (and possibly you) to breaking my word.
I do realize there are some days, week and even seasons where it just feels 'hard' to show up. There's a myriad of reasons why - feeling tired, hormonal, physically exhausted, uninspired.... you name it - we all have these periods. Occasionally, these periods call for a 'time-out' to recharge and rest. The difference between deliberately taking time off and not showing up is that one is intentional and clear, the other is murky and can create distrust between you and whoever is counting on you to show up. More important, last minute cancelling and not showing up creates distrust with yourself. Your integrity gets striped and not only do others not know if they can truly count on you, but somewhere deep inside of yourself, you aren't sure if you can count on you.
What I've realized is that even if I think my actions are inconsequential .... they're NOT. People count on me. People count on you. And, even if others 'seem' ok with the cancellation, on some level there is an expectation not being met. And an expectation not being met leads to disappointment. And when this is repeated, trust can be challenging to establish. When there is no trust it is hard to build confidence, self-esteem and integrity. One cannot possibly feel good about themselves when they are continually breaking promises. One way to build credibility and trust with yourself and others is to show up no matter what. What an incredible way to be remembered ..... that others could count on you and trust your word. This is NOT about being perfect, it's about being a man or woman of your word.
Here's to less impulsive yeses and more thoughtful commitments.
Love,
Nikki
Now, I'm just as guilty as the next person to cancel last minute ..... not necessarily because I like it or approve of it (although on some level I suppose I do, or I wouldn't be doing it) - but because I can. It's a sneaky rationale and practice that has quickly become a habit for myself and many others. There are a ton of rationalizations that my mind will come up with to justify changing an appointment time or postponing a meeting. It's never meant to be disrespectful to the other person. It's a mindset .... and one that I am working on changing. The new mindset I aim to adopt it to stand by my word. When I set an appointment or make a plan, I am committing to stick with what I say. What this means for me is that before committing I need to give some thought to what I'm choosing. I believe it's the impulsive decision making that leads me (and possibly you) to breaking my word.
I do realize there are some days, week and even seasons where it just feels 'hard' to show up. There's a myriad of reasons why - feeling tired, hormonal, physically exhausted, uninspired.... you name it - we all have these periods. Occasionally, these periods call for a 'time-out' to recharge and rest. The difference between deliberately taking time off and not showing up is that one is intentional and clear, the other is murky and can create distrust between you and whoever is counting on you to show up. More important, last minute cancelling and not showing up creates distrust with yourself. Your integrity gets striped and not only do others not know if they can truly count on you, but somewhere deep inside of yourself, you aren't sure if you can count on you.
What I've realized is that even if I think my actions are inconsequential .... they're NOT. People count on me. People count on you. And, even if others 'seem' ok with the cancellation, on some level there is an expectation not being met. And an expectation not being met leads to disappointment. And when this is repeated, trust can be challenging to establish. When there is no trust it is hard to build confidence, self-esteem and integrity. One cannot possibly feel good about themselves when they are continually breaking promises. One way to build credibility and trust with yourself and others is to show up no matter what. What an incredible way to be remembered ..... that others could count on you and trust your word. This is NOT about being perfect, it's about being a man or woman of your word.
Here's to less impulsive yeses and more thoughtful commitments.
Love,
Nikki
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Choosing .....
Where are you NOT choosing in your life today? This was the question that my coach proposed to me today. In fact, he gave me a homework assignment to write out all the places in my life that I'm NOT choosing and then told me to make a choice. I was able to recognize through our conversation that by not choosing (holding off, flip flopping, waffling) I am/was keeping myself stuck, in victim mode and very frustrated. My mind will tell me that by not choosing I am keeping my options 'open', but the truth is it minimizes my level commitment and keeps me from obtaining any mastery over one thing (concept or experience).
The example that comes to mind is with exercise. I have been saying I want to run a 1/2 marathon or even a 5K for some time now (possibly even years) yet, I've done nothing to strengthen my running skills. Instead, I do what's comfortable - fast walk, take an aerobics class, take yoga ..... ANYTHING but run. And, if I do run, it's on the treadmill with intermittent walking. There's not a solid dedication and focus on running. I let fear hold me back - telling myself I'm just not 'built' to run or it will hurt too much ... the list goes on as they usually do. It fascinates me how easy it is to talk myself out of following through on something I want for myself AND how great my mind is at convincing me that what it's telling me is the capital "T" truth!
I made my list of the other areas in my life where I'm NOT choosing ..... and was surprised what I found. There were more areas in my life than I'd thought where I saw that I was waffling. And, consequently feeling frustrated by my results. DUH! This is not rocket science yet it is POWERFUL - choosing - then sticking with the choice. So, for today, I am choosing to run at least 3 times per week AND sign up for a 5K by the end of the year.
Do you know where you're NOT making choices in your life? What's stopping you from choosing? And, how is NOT choosing stopping you from being as powerful as you can be?
I dare you to choose!
Love,
Nikki
The example that comes to mind is with exercise. I have been saying I want to run a 1/2 marathon or even a 5K for some time now (possibly even years) yet, I've done nothing to strengthen my running skills. Instead, I do what's comfortable - fast walk, take an aerobics class, take yoga ..... ANYTHING but run. And, if I do run, it's on the treadmill with intermittent walking. There's not a solid dedication and focus on running. I let fear hold me back - telling myself I'm just not 'built' to run or it will hurt too much ... the list goes on as they usually do. It fascinates me how easy it is to talk myself out of following through on something I want for myself AND how great my mind is at convincing me that what it's telling me is the capital "T" truth!
I made my list of the other areas in my life where I'm NOT choosing ..... and was surprised what I found. There were more areas in my life than I'd thought where I saw that I was waffling. And, consequently feeling frustrated by my results. DUH! This is not rocket science yet it is POWERFUL - choosing - then sticking with the choice. So, for today, I am choosing to run at least 3 times per week AND sign up for a 5K by the end of the year.
Do you know where you're NOT making choices in your life? What's stopping you from choosing? And, how is NOT choosing stopping you from being as powerful as you can be?
I dare you to choose!
Love,
Nikki
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Work'n it OUT
Do you ever find yourself in such a frenzy about something or someone you think to yourself I need to end this NOW...?! Maybe it's an argument with a loved one, some critical feedback from a boss or a roommate who has once again moved your stuff around.... regardless, it's annoying and it 'feels' like it's just about put you over the edge.
I was recently talking with someone who's in a new marriage, in fact, in her first year of marriage. She was describing how intolerant she has been feeling about her husbands ways - his needing to have the T.V. on first thing in the morning to catch the football game, eating sugar throughout the day (versus three healthy square meals) and having to sleep with X amount of pillows so he is 'perfectly' comfortable at night. As I listened to her I was empathizing, yet also chuckling to myself because of course, I could relate. Somehow as much as I love something or someone, there always seems to come a time when I find something wrong with it or them - things that IRK me. And, it's usually because something isn't being done "MY WAY". I'm especially 'irked' when I believe my way is the RIGHT WAY or the ONLY WAY. It boils down to control - wanting to be in charge.... be the boss.... be the one who is RIGHT. And, of course, I'm not any of those. Furthermore, I have my own ways that, no doubt, could be seen as annoying (and probably are at times). Like being OCD in my cleanliness, having to make the bed a certain way and having to eat at certain times of the day which can be very un-sexy and un-spontaneous.
What I loved about our conversation was that by the end my friend had worked out enough of her initial lioness frustration, that she came back to a place of love and compassion for this man she dearly loves. She was able to recognize that they are both in a time of transition, especially him given that he'd moved to another city to be with her, leaving his long-time community behind. She began to see her side of the equation and recognize her frustrations were largely due to expectations not being met (those damn expectations!).
Through this conversation I was able to see my relationship in hers. I was able to see how the feelings I experience (albeit different circumstances) are similar to hers. I recognize that often I want what I want when I want it ..... as in NOW! And, if I don't get it, I get annoyed. And, that annoyance gets easily escalated if I fail to see my part of the equation and/or the bigger picture. When there is too much focus OVER THERE (i.e. on HIM) - what he's doing, not doing, how he's contributing or the way he's taking care of himself and not enough focus on ME (i.e. the way I'm taking care of MYSELF or the things I'm doing to fulfill myself) there is far too much pressure on 'something' else to make me happy. Which of course, always leads to disappointment and unmet expectations.
Bottom line - people are people are people. We all come from different walks of life with different influences ..... and then, we get into relationship with one another. Is it any wonder that we're going to have differences, frustrations and disappointments? Of course not. Yet, how easy it is to forget this. This is why it's so important to share our stories, our fears, our disappointments, our relationship woes .... because we get to see that it's ALL normal which is an enormous relief.
Relationships of all kinds are up and down and circular and stale and super duper fabulous and ridiculously amazing ..... they're an delicious blend of everything. And, through all the ebbing and flowing we need consistent communication, patience and ultimately a willingness to let go of our expectations. This is what 'work'n it out' is all about .... underneath the anger, the frustration, the annoyances, intolerances...etc..... for most of us there is a tender place that simply wants to give and receive love.
So, here's to sharing more of our stories with one another and lightening UP! We're all human with foibles and imperfections ..... let us laugh at ourselves and fall back in love with the people we truly adore in our lives.
Love,
Nikki
I was recently talking with someone who's in a new marriage, in fact, in her first year of marriage. She was describing how intolerant she has been feeling about her husbands ways - his needing to have the T.V. on first thing in the morning to catch the football game, eating sugar throughout the day (versus three healthy square meals) and having to sleep with X amount of pillows so he is 'perfectly' comfortable at night. As I listened to her I was empathizing, yet also chuckling to myself because of course, I could relate. Somehow as much as I love something or someone, there always seems to come a time when I find something wrong with it or them - things that IRK me. And, it's usually because something isn't being done "MY WAY". I'm especially 'irked' when I believe my way is the RIGHT WAY or the ONLY WAY. It boils down to control - wanting to be in charge.... be the boss.... be the one who is RIGHT. And, of course, I'm not any of those. Furthermore, I have my own ways that, no doubt, could be seen as annoying (and probably are at times). Like being OCD in my cleanliness, having to make the bed a certain way and having to eat at certain times of the day which can be very un-sexy and un-spontaneous.
What I loved about our conversation was that by the end my friend had worked out enough of her initial lioness frustration, that she came back to a place of love and compassion for this man she dearly loves. She was able to recognize that they are both in a time of transition, especially him given that he'd moved to another city to be with her, leaving his long-time community behind. She began to see her side of the equation and recognize her frustrations were largely due to expectations not being met (those damn expectations!).
Through this conversation I was able to see my relationship in hers. I was able to see how the feelings I experience (albeit different circumstances) are similar to hers. I recognize that often I want what I want when I want it ..... as in NOW! And, if I don't get it, I get annoyed. And, that annoyance gets easily escalated if I fail to see my part of the equation and/or the bigger picture. When there is too much focus OVER THERE (i.e. on HIM) - what he's doing, not doing, how he's contributing or the way he's taking care of himself and not enough focus on ME (i.e. the way I'm taking care of MYSELF or the things I'm doing to fulfill myself) there is far too much pressure on 'something' else to make me happy. Which of course, always leads to disappointment and unmet expectations.
Bottom line - people are people are people. We all come from different walks of life with different influences ..... and then, we get into relationship with one another. Is it any wonder that we're going to have differences, frustrations and disappointments? Of course not. Yet, how easy it is to forget this. This is why it's so important to share our stories, our fears, our disappointments, our relationship woes .... because we get to see that it's ALL normal which is an enormous relief.
Relationships of all kinds are up and down and circular and stale and super duper fabulous and ridiculously amazing ..... they're an delicious blend of everything. And, through all the ebbing and flowing we need consistent communication, patience and ultimately a willingness to let go of our expectations. This is what 'work'n it out' is all about .... underneath the anger, the frustration, the annoyances, intolerances...etc..... for most of us there is a tender place that simply wants to give and receive love.
So, here's to sharing more of our stories with one another and lightening UP! We're all human with foibles and imperfections ..... let us laugh at ourselves and fall back in love with the people we truly adore in our lives.
Love,
Nikki
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Fighting Perfectionism
Ok - so I'm long overdue for a blog ... I've officially started (and stopped) at least 6 blog entries only to talk myself out of sending it out and making it public. I've had a case of the "it's not good enough's" lately - specifically pertaining to my writing. It's funny, I'm starting to understand a bit more about the world of a writer.... it's a bit like meditation. You just have to make a commitment do it no matter what - whether you feel like it or not. For me meditation is sometimes amazing and other times it just is .... blah. The point is that I have to take the action and do it everyday - no matter what. For me, I know that meditation is what grounds me - without it I'm a spinning top (even more of one than I can be WITH meditation). I certainly don't do it perfectly - sometimes my head is obsessed about something, other times I feel fidgety and want to get up and move around.... and then there is that occassional sit when it's absolutely peaceful and calming. It makes it ALL worth while. This is how I'm experiencing writing. I may write several pages - blogs, newsletters, pages to my book and they may be 'average' at best .... and then, there is that one blog entry that knocks it out of the ball park. Its not that that one entry took any more effort, in fact often times it happens that the best writing flows easily, effortlessly and quickly. However, it is because I've banked the other times of sitting, writing and practing..... very imperfectly practicing.
It's funny, I was JUST talking about perfection with a coaching client recently and what an extraordinarily high bar it is to hold for herself (or anyone else for that matter). I've personally struggled with the dis-ease of 'perfection-itis' myself for much of my life - wanting to be thin, beautiful, smart, organized, funny, financially successful - and always thinking that I 'should' be somewhere I wasn't. Over time and with ALOT of help (i.e. self-help books, faith, therapy, twelve-step work and a lot of support from friends) I've let go of having to be 'perfect' in many ways...... however, I am noticing it slipping into my writing. Perfectionism shows up in all sorts of sneaky ways as it's not as overt as it used to be. Where the voice of perfectionism used to say things like "that sounds dumb ... forget it", it now says things like "I've got other things I need to do or I need a break". I'm starting to clue in that that voice is just giving me some lame excuses and distractions so I don't have to sit with the discomfort of imperfect thinking, writing, self-expression. Writing is one place I have to sit down, focus and stay the course. It's very tempting to get up and clean the house, cook food, run errands, get on the phone, etc.... not as comfortable, but much more rewarding to sit, write, think, reflect and produce something that allows me to express myself.
I have a new commitment to you and myself - NO MATTER WHAT I will write twice a week - blog, newsletter or pages to my book no matter if it's great, lame, inspiring, generic, creative, flowing or choppy. It's about the practice - and as a great coach once said to me, "you get good at whatever you practice." I'd like to become great at writing..... so here's to practicing! And my challenge to you is to do that 'thing' that you've been putting off until you're in the 'right mood' or have the 'right thoughts' about .... and just go do it - however imperfect it is - just do it. Wouldn't it be a relief to give yourself permission to be imperfectly human? After all, that is what we are.
Here's to being imperfectly perfect!
Love to you,
Nikki
It's funny, I was JUST talking about perfection with a coaching client recently and what an extraordinarily high bar it is to hold for herself (or anyone else for that matter). I've personally struggled with the dis-ease of 'perfection-itis' myself for much of my life - wanting to be thin, beautiful, smart, organized, funny, financially successful - and always thinking that I 'should' be somewhere I wasn't. Over time and with ALOT of help (i.e. self-help books, faith, therapy, twelve-step work and a lot of support from friends) I've let go of having to be 'perfect' in many ways...... however, I am noticing it slipping into my writing. Perfectionism shows up in all sorts of sneaky ways as it's not as overt as it used to be. Where the voice of perfectionism used to say things like "that sounds dumb ... forget it", it now says things like "I've got other things I need to do or I need a break". I'm starting to clue in that that voice is just giving me some lame excuses and distractions so I don't have to sit with the discomfort of imperfect thinking, writing, self-expression. Writing is one place I have to sit down, focus and stay the course. It's very tempting to get up and clean the house, cook food, run errands, get on the phone, etc.... not as comfortable, but much more rewarding to sit, write, think, reflect and produce something that allows me to express myself.
I have a new commitment to you and myself - NO MATTER WHAT I will write twice a week - blog, newsletter or pages to my book no matter if it's great, lame, inspiring, generic, creative, flowing or choppy. It's about the practice - and as a great coach once said to me, "you get good at whatever you practice." I'd like to become great at writing..... so here's to practicing! And my challenge to you is to do that 'thing' that you've been putting off until you're in the 'right mood' or have the 'right thoughts' about .... and just go do it - however imperfect it is - just do it. Wouldn't it be a relief to give yourself permission to be imperfectly human? After all, that is what we are.
Here's to being imperfectly perfect!
Love to you,
Nikki
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Refueling for Success
Lately I've had a case of the "I don't w-a-n-n-a'-s". I haven't felt like putting on nice clothing, I have felt lazy about exerting my brain to think, create and write (hence, a delayed blog!) and I haven't wanted to apologize to my boyfriend, even when it was my fault. I'm not sure what to call this - laziness, apathy, disinterest or just a phase. Recently I was speaking to my coach about a recent vacation I took with my boyfriend to meet each others family. A BIG trip to say the least. Shortly after telling my coach about my vacation, I launched into my agenda for that day's call. After hearing me out, he paused as he always does.... then asked, "and, how are you?" It was at this moment that I realized I'd given myself NO time to even acknowledge how I was doing or process the experience I'd just had. I had returned from my vacation and launched right into the busy-ness of my life. I hadn't taken the time to digest my feelings and the significance of the trip I'd just taken. There were many components to this trip ..... seeing my uncle and cousin who are both struggling through chemo fighting their individual cancer battles, seeing the rest of my family who I only see once a year, bringing a new man home to meet everyone.... for the FIRST TIME EVER and meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. Given that all this was still swirling around inside of me, all I could say in response to his question was that I felt numb. I had several thoughts and emotions about the experience I'd just had and I was putting them aside to do what I thought I 'should' be doing - working. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my work and feel fortunate to be able to do something that energizes me regularly however, I know today that work must come secondary to personal care or I am of no use to my clients.
Even with this awareness, I noticed I felt a strong attachement to pushng forward and adhering to my agenda that I'd brought to the call with my coach. I recognized that the thought of letting go of work temporarily stirred up fear for me. I feared that if I did not stay engaged with my work and my continual push to grow and learn, I would lose 'it' ...... my mojo, gusto, interest and flow of clients. After expressing this to my coach and exploring the feelings behind this I came to realize that in fact I could not focus on my work in a productive, creative way until I dealt with what was in front of me - a combination of sadness, confusion and exhaustion. I had to trust that I would return to a place (hopefully sooner than later) of desire and clarity regarding my work. So, given that my energy was stuck I decided to take a leap of faith and focus on rest, exercise and connection both with myself and close, trusted friends. I also used (and still use, obviously) writing as a tool to move through the stuckness - very helpful! What I realized is that this was (and I know there will be many more) a time that I needed to focus on refueling my tank. I cannot (nor can you) give away what you do not have. Similarly a car cannot drive without gas in the tank.
What I know is that some days I am ON ... other days, my tank is lower and I need a little more r&r ... it's normal, it's human and it's OK. If you're having one of 'those' days or weeks ..... try something a little different. Rather than forcing yourself to 'push through', give yourself permission to 'refuel'. I'd bet you money you'll be glad you did and much more productive because of it in the long run!
Here's to more naps, massages, personal days and 'time-outs'!
Love,
Nikki
P.S. And, in case your wondering, the self-care is paying off - I'm more productive, more focused and more energized as a result.
Even with this awareness, I noticed I felt a strong attachement to pushng forward and adhering to my agenda that I'd brought to the call with my coach. I recognized that the thought of letting go of work temporarily stirred up fear for me. I feared that if I did not stay engaged with my work and my continual push to grow and learn, I would lose 'it' ...... my mojo, gusto, interest and flow of clients. After expressing this to my coach and exploring the feelings behind this I came to realize that in fact I could not focus on my work in a productive, creative way until I dealt with what was in front of me - a combination of sadness, confusion and exhaustion. I had to trust that I would return to a place (hopefully sooner than later) of desire and clarity regarding my work. So, given that my energy was stuck I decided to take a leap of faith and focus on rest, exercise and connection both with myself and close, trusted friends. I also used (and still use, obviously) writing as a tool to move through the stuckness - very helpful! What I realized is that this was (and I know there will be many more) a time that I needed to focus on refueling my tank. I cannot (nor can you) give away what you do not have. Similarly a car cannot drive without gas in the tank.
What I know is that some days I am ON ... other days, my tank is lower and I need a little more r&r ... it's normal, it's human and it's OK. If you're having one of 'those' days or weeks ..... try something a little different. Rather than forcing yourself to 'push through', give yourself permission to 'refuel'. I'd bet you money you'll be glad you did and much more productive because of it in the long run!
Here's to more naps, massages, personal days and 'time-outs'!
Love,
Nikki
P.S. And, in case your wondering, the self-care is paying off - I'm more productive, more focused and more energized as a result.
Monday, October 5, 2009
To my beloved uncle
If this were it, what would you do? If you were told you had a short time left, how would you spend your time? What would you do differently, if anything? I have asked clients these questions hundreds of times and have mildly thought about them myself..... although, I can't say that I've ever REALLY taken the questions completely serious. I think on some level I want to believe I'm immortal.
Having been with my family for the past week, I am witnessing my beloved uncle who has been a father figure to me my entire life, struggle through his nauseating and grueling chemo treatments, fighting for his life to get one more day with his family and friends. I don't see him these days but once a year because we live on opposite coasts, however, my family, particularly my uncle is very special to me given that I spent my summers here (in Pittsburgh, PA). Growing up with my uncle - laughing at his jokes, watching him adore his children and belt out his favorite country songs as we drove to his favorite fishing spots taught me to be more adventurous and of course, to love fishing! :) I will never forget those days ..... ever.
Holding these memories close and now facing the new reality of my uncles health is quite a shock to my system. I don't know that I've ever witnessed something this profound - seeing someone I love have the life sucked out of them. What was once easily taken for granted - a robust, charismatic, subtly hilarious man.... now, much thinner, quieter and deliberate in how he spends his energy .... since he has much less to expend.
What is hardest, I think, is knowing what to say and do. What I'd most like to do is to wave a magic wand and make it go away - for him, the physical pain and for myself and the rest of the family, the emotional pain and the changing reality of someone so dear to us exiting our lives.
At a family gathering last night where my uncle was present, I couldn't help but stare at him.... watching how his affect has so dramatically changed. He was almost expressionless while we watched an exciting football game (his favorite team). What normally would have elicited whooping and hollering from him, instead got a half smile through his pointed cheekbones and sunken jaw.
No one in my family really knows what to say or do. I kept thinking during the family event last night .....should we be telling him how much we love him or how sorry we are or how much he has meant to us? Or, do we carry on in our crazy, all-over-the-map, family ways? I am stumped. In this area, I feel a bit paralyzed ...... and very ineffective. I am powerless and very humbled by mortality. I'm also afraid to address the elephant in the room (which does not happen too often for me). However, this is a different breed of elephant ... at least to me.
What I was and am most struck by through the pain I experienced in watching my uncle was watching his nieces - all four of them under the age of nine - crawl all over him as if nothing was different (and in their minds, nothing is different). They were calling his name ("Pap Pap") and professing their love for him. It was tender, wonderful and fearless. A true gift to watch. I was admiring their uninhibited love and expression towards my uncle - wanting desperately to do the same yet, felt afraid to do so and instead, in a very adult fashion, hugged my uncle countless times asking him how he was.
To my uncle and others who are reading this, whether you are given a timeline on how much longer you have the privilege to be here or not, the truth is we all only have an absolute time on earth. Please don't waste your time. Take in and give as much love as you possibly can because in the end it really is all we have - love. Money, travels, nice clothes, pretty homes, yachts, the fancy corner office, etc.... doesn't mean all that much in the end. Love on the other hand, means everything and is what stays with people.
To my beloved uncle: I love you. I honor you. I thank you. God bless you!
With love and gratitude,
Nikki
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